Feelings!

I don't know if it is because of the stress in my life right now or the current girl situation or what, but I am constantly feeling sick to my stomach. I thought this break was easing my tension, but it might be making it worse (ex. always wondering if she is seeing someone, always worried that she is upset at me in this moment). It's terrible. It makes me want to call the whole separation thing off, and I probably would if it was only up to me. My Mother noticed a trend when I talked to her that I was able to flesh out in private. It seems like every time me and Christy are making actual commitment, we hit these bumps. I can't even remember what the first one was. I don't know if that was before our one year anniversary or right after. Suffice it to say that mere weeks after our one year anniversary, we broke up. Then we got back together and broke up again because of the distance (I think). Then, just recently, we got back together and broke up again when Christy moving down here and us getting an apartment together seemed like a reality. As long as I am remembering right, which, admittedly is a rare occurrence, I was seemingly unaware of any huge problems until right before we broke up over them. This says lots of things to me, and none of them are good. And I know that there were other factors that played into the breakups (especially this most recent one), but it seems to come from a lack of commitment, or simply a commitment issue, somewhere. I don't know. Maybe this is all mumbo jumbo and has no correlation at all. It just seemed odd to me.

So I would stop this if it was my choice, but that doesn't mean that I think this was a bad choice. We made it together, and it is hopefully for the best. But if I had my way right now? I would buy Christy a plane ticket to Texas. We would worry about getting her stuff later. And we would be together, living a full and happy life. Maybe that isn't supposed to happen. I think it is. I wish I would follow my own advice and not write about this here because I don't want to hurt Christy's feelings inadvertently, but once I start I feel like I have so much to say and it just comes out better here.

Christy also made the point that I would have to really do some thinking before I considered moving to CT to be with her. I just think CT can suck some people in and never let go. Clearly, I know many happy, successful people who live in, or around Danbury but you couldn't pay me to move back. This is where my life has taken me, and moving back to CT would feel like a step back to me. I understand how close Christy is with her family, who are pretty much all in CT,and that is fantastic. I wish I a large family that I was close with. But I think moving would be so good for her. I think it's what she should do, not for me (well, a little. im not a total idiot) but for HER. I don't think CT has enough of the right kind of opportunities for her, and I want to see her successful and happy.

Texas is far away. There is no escaping that point. And, in case of a NE emergency, it's going to take you at least the day to get there. But unless you live in CT, it's going to be a day trip either way. I don't want her to think that I don't get the alienation that she would feel moving out here. I was pretty much alone here for five months and she would be coming in with people she knew already, if not living with one. I don't know. I think I'm starting to ramble so I'll shut it down for tonight. I have rehearsal for the UT short tonight. Should be fun.

"Nothing about us was perfect or clear, but when paradise calls me I'd rather be here."