*Clears Throat*

So, I should be going to bed right now because I have work in the morning but instead I feel compelled to write about my recent moviegoing experience.

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"

I actually hate to write down that whole title, because I am sure that there is some tracking software that will show my words as some kind of percentage of people who are "talking" about the film. Like tags on Twitter. Almost as bad is the fact that I added to the somewhere around $60 million dollars this complete abortion of film made its first day.

Let us start at the beginning ( Which is, I am told, a VERY good place to start), or rather, before the beginning. The trailers. Never before in my life have I seen 4-5 movie trailers that added up to little more than a cacophony or trilling CG creatures and explosions. The only trailer that didn't make me almost weep with envy of those people outside the theater, silently and peacefully slumbering away the night, was the one for "Funny People," which as trailers go is not all that great (mainly because it gives away seemingly every story arc). Also "2012" made me go "ooooooh" simply because of the heavy-metal album art visuals that it attained (The Sistine Chapel splitting to separate Man from God was like Megadeth + Iron Maiden). The combined trailers for "G-Force," "Aliens in the Attic," and "G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra" had me literally crying tears of blood. I'm not making this up or exaggerating in any way, I actually had blood coming out of my eyes. Audience members began to clap at the end of the "G.I. Joe" trailer, so I turned around and fucking pleaded with them to stop. Honest to God, I did. So these first twenty or so minutes were the perfect barometer of the intelligence/standards of the audience around me and also the absolute shit-storm of a movie I was about to see.

Now, to the film (*cough*) in question.

Easily one of the longest god damned movies I have ever sat through. It clocks in at around 2 hours 30 minutes, but feels like at least 4 hours. Now, if I remember correctly "The Dark Knight" was about as long, but it had one thing (well, really several......really everything) going for it that this movie does not have. ACTION! It's a GOD DAMNED ACTION MOVIE!! IT'S A GO DAMNED MICHAEL BAY MOVIE!! WHAT THE FUCK?! The biggest moments in this movie about TOWERING robots with LASERS AND FUCKMISSILESFUCK were cause by the humans! Devastator, the HUGE villain made up of 5 or 6 Decepticons is taken out by an experimental rail gun aboard a naval carrier. Why resurrect Optimus when we have the power of the U.S. Navy? GO USA! To put this in perspective, imagine going to see the latest Jurassic Park movie and in the movie you see PEOPLE EATING DINOSAURS. This is not what you expected. This is not what you wanted to see. And it is really boring, because that means that these FUCKING DINOSAURS were really never that much of a threat anyway if we can just just leap onto their backs and tear out their throats with our god damned teeth! To Michael Bay's credit, he did film one of the coolest looking explosions of all time. But, honestly, what good is that if you don't show the robots getting blown up? It's just a huge fireball for no reason. It's like Michael Bay went into this movie with a deal from Sony promising him x amount of money to make a WHOLE movie that is one long Blu-Ray Disc promotion. Honestly, when you walk into Best Buy 3 years from now they will still be playing this movie on their big screens to sell TVs. Except they will probably have the good sense to put that fight scene (the last ten minutes or so of the whole movie) on repeat because it is hard to sell TVs with exposition. And LORD does this movie has its exposition. In one of the first scenes the "dick bureaucrat" character actually says, "So let me wrap up things. We have megatron in x place under x defenses. And we have the last remaining piece of Allspark, needed to restore him, in x place under x defenses." Now, the fact that SoundWave was updated from a boombox to a satellite was, in my opinion, the only interesting and inspired part of the whole movie. But, even SoundWave must have heard that and been like, "Damn, really? It was never this easy on CyberTron."

Then Sam goes to college, because he has to grow as a character in some way except oh he gets taken out his very first day by a Decepticon that is a "robot in disguise" disguised as a woman. ......... I'm going to give you, True Believers, a moment to let that settle in. I am also going to remind you that the director to this film scoffed at McG for having large robots in "Terminator: Salvation."

Quick question, if you were a robot and needed to disguise yourself among a planet inhabited by humans and had the CHOICE, would you:

A) Disguise yourself as another human.

B) Disguise yourself as an inanimate object that is constantly getting keyed, crashing, getting puked in, etc.

Apparently, Optimus Prime didn't get the memo that Autobots could choose to transform into OTHER shit. Which might be a good thing, because when a robot is hunting down humans and does NOT transform into ANYTHING, it is no longer a "Transformer." It is a "fucking killer robot." And in the case of "fucking killer robot that looks like a person," it is called "A GOD DAMNED TERMINATOR!!" Jesus! There is even an attack scene with said "Transformer" when it latches onto the car that the THREE characters are escaping in. All it lacked was Megan Fox handing Shia LaBuoefxxorf a shotgun so that he could clumsily load it. At this point I would actually be envious of those stupid ball Decepticons that transformed into a flat robot, because even though they apparently lived within the gullet of the cat Decepticon at least they had the distinction of actually being worth a damn.

I have been writing (ranting, really) for an hour now. Time for bed. More to come to be sure, but take heed. You will want to see this movie. If only to see why it is so bad. I ask you to not. Wait for it on DVD, if only to reduce the INSANE amount of money that the hack known as "Bay" will obtain for this absolute garbage.

Ryan Seacrest . Com!

So the poster for "New Moon" came out and, as all things tween related, was of course tweeted by Ryan Seacrest. Here is the poster:

Looks pretty ridiculous, no? I also love the huge "RYANSEACREST . COM" watermark, like he owns the franchise or something. So there were comments below the image, mainly glowing about how hot so-and-so looks. I decided to leave my mark. My s/n is MuteAnt and I am the last comment on the list:

Squint. You can read it. I wanted it to be offensive to the fans, but sound earnest and ignorant enough that it would not flag the admin of Ryan Seacrest . com (who is most likely, let's face it, Ryan Seacrest).

Why me?

That is often a question I find myself asking ........ my ....... self ...... when situations that are usually reserved for non-productive writing meetings of "Curb Your Enthusiasm," happen to me in real life.

Situation A:

I am applying to Texas State and I needed to have a transcript from ACC sent in to be evaluated. I went in about two weeks ago to ACC and, when asked whether I wanted to have it mailed or sent electronically, I chose the more quick option. I called Texas State on Friday and they still had not received the transcript so I went to the registrar's office today and it turns out that while my transcript was sent to Texas State on 5/18/09, ACC's computers were showing that Texas State received said transcript on 2/19/09. That's right. God hates me so much he has my important documents sent back in fucking time just to spite me.

Situation B:

Luis and I decided to get some use out of the basketball that we have collecting dust in our closet and made our way to the indoor basketball gym at our development. We got there and realized that you need your magnetic keycard to get in, even though it is early in the evening and there are still people in the gym and what-not. Rather than walk back to the apartment and retrieve our key, I stopped a gentleman who was checking out the EVENTS calendar who had his keycard in his hand and was standing about two feet away from us. I asked if he would let us in to the basketball court because, you see, I forgot my card back at the apartment. Never making eye contact, the man said, "Forgot your card huh? I'm supposed to believe that, hmmm?" To which I mentally paralyzed-ly resonded, "Erm, yes?" Of course, the one person I ask is the one dyed-in-the-wool redneck in the whole joint. To my surprise he actually yielded and put his card against the sensor, but when I tried the door it would not open. "Won't open huh," he said, sweat-laden towel around his shoulders. This was the kicker, though. The man then turned away from Luis and I and started slowly walking away ....... down to the second door to the gym (hooray! he is being helpful!) .... around the corner down to his truck (god damn-it!). I understand wanting to keep amenities that we pay for (through rent) only accessible to people who actually pay for them, but what happened to human decency and understanding. I can't replicate it in this medium, but the man's tone implied that he would rather rape and kill his dog than ever forget his keycard. Like leaving my keycard at the apartment was akin to leaving a baby alone in an apartment with a loaded and cocked shotgun in its crib, crawling with acid tarantulas. THIS is why I don't exercise.

Another Joe tidbit.

I am Whatthewhat. I feel like I delivered on the comedy here.

And Knowing Is Half The Battle!

Here is my comment on /Film about the new clip of "G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra" that premiered on MTV earlier this week:

" I don't hate on movies very often, but this clip (and all previous trailers/teasers) has done nothing to make me excited for this movie. Instead of making a franchise movie that concentrates on what makes it stand out (specific characters/conflicts), it seems to me that the producers just wanted to make a summer sci-fi formulaic blockbuster and decided to put G.I. Joe skins over that framework. This is proven in the fact that instead of just being elite soldiers, the Joes are required to wear suits to do any combat with Cobra that make them move and look like man-sized Transformers. I don't have amazingly high hopes for any movie based off an 80's cartoon that had really terrible writing to begin with (Transformers, Joe), but I do expect the people making the movie to stick to what made the original so fun and engaging at the time. "

Also, Dennis Quaid looks constipated.

Yar!

Last weekend was pretty intense, so I figured I should update.

I went up to Dallas to do Rocky Horror in Ft. Worth. Decided to drag Luis along for the shit-ton of driving I had to do.

Saturday morning we left Austin and stopped at Chick-Fil-A for breakfast. They were giving away food! How do I not find out about this shit!?

Anyway, driving, driving, driving, get gas, driving. Hooray we made it to the Scarborough Faire!

A magical land where women as old, if not older, than my mother decide to hike those saggy love bags up to their sagging neck flaps. Yikes. I usually don't say anything when I see women who are wearing clothes that they shouldn't. Sometimes, people just want to feel attractive so they wear clothes that clearly do nothing for them. I, for instance, wear small t-shirts every now and then. This makes me feel very slim, until I need to lift my arms above my waist and the shirt gets pulled up around my navel. I know what you are thinking ; very sexy. And yes, it is.

But the problem I have at Faire is that the sheer mass of women who all together decide to not only embarrass themselves, but force innocent passerbys to have their eyes drawn towards their re-animated mammaries. It's like they all had a sleepover the night before, tripped on Robotussin, and decided that "Frankenstein" was as good of a story to adapt to their lifeless sweater-bunnies. (I love that spell check added in the dash for "sweater-bunnies")

Anyway, so we get there and if you have not been it is actually kind of fun if you can suspend your annoyance for like 55% of the people there. Basically, Faire is an outdoor mall. Except all the clothing stores are olden day versions of Hot Topic, food is EVEN MORE ridiculously expensive, and there are olden type performances. Pretty much "meh" level entertainment, but it is fun to pretend to shop for chain mail.

I have an anecdote from Faire, but I absolutely ADORE prefaces, so here we go. I'm not sure if you know what an Ent is. If you have seen the "Lord of the Rings" films you do, but even I don't remember half of went on in those movies and I read the books. Ents are pretty much majestic tree creatures. They have been around since forever and will always exist, although they are often pissing themselves with fear that they aren't going to be believed in anymore so they won't be able to move or talk. When a weeping willow seems to dance in the breeze to say, "Good Day, Nick! You look ravishing today!" (That's how they talk to me, these Ents) That is an Ent trying to express it's long ago forgotten language. Pretty impressive/gay/sad/impressive again, yes? Well, my friends, would you believe it if there was not a true to life Ent walking around the Faire? You Would! Hooray! Because there was! He was so gigantic, a monolith at eleven feet tall, and I could see real human-like emotions flitting in his mask-hidden eyes. I decided to have Luis grab my camera and take a picture of me with this beautiful and rare creature. SNAP. Then, the Ent mutters something in a tone that is known only to the most trained carnies. I don't hear him but he shakes his walking staff at me and I look at his staff to see a wicker basket affixed to the bottom. The basket is filled with one dollar bills. I must have blacked out from awkwardness. I stuttered something about not having any singles on me (which is always the greatest thing for someone who works for tips to hear, I know) and stumbled away.

Let me put this in perspective somehow. Ok, imagine you are walking along a beautiful hillside during a light rainfall. It is summer. You are at peace. All is right with the universe. The rain ceases and through the mist a glorious rainbow appears. Suddenly, a majestic Unicorn bursts from the clouds and runs down the rainbow to your feet. The Unicorn is hesitant at first, but sensing your good heart, stretches his nose out and nuzzles your shoulder. You are awe-struck by it's majesty and glory. You reach out and pat it on it's head, between the eyes. You stroke it's silken mane and hug it's strong, muscular (yet downy soft) neck. You take a step back to account for this amazing moment and the Unicorn says, "Hey man, I'll suck your dick for a dollar."

I might be exaggerating a bit. No, never mind. I am not.

Luis and I did this sword battle game that was kind of like VS. in MARIO KART, but with swords so ...... more epic. I won, flawlessly.

Ok, I am done talking about Faire.

Then we went to do Rocky Horror at the Ft. Worth theater. The place was called "Movie Tavern" and it was laid out the same as the Drafthouse except there are no waiters. This theater lets the Rocky cast keep props and set pieces in the theater, so their stuff was like a berjillion times more nice than ours. Also, the theater they perform in has it's own sound setup and amazing lighting and is about twice as big as the largest Drafthouse theater. Amazing. It was a whole lot of fun. I got felt up a lot, because I was new to them I guess. Los Bastardos have the same social habits as dogs apparently. I'm sure they would have sniffed if I had let them. The only thing I did not get about their cast was the rigidity of it all. Apparently, they try to be as screen accurate as possible. This means.......... no fun. I'm not going to name names, but someone in the cast whispered to me that they loved it when we came because they were "allowed" to break character. On top of that, they have REHEARSALS on thursdays then have the show fridays and saturdays. And they pay DUES. I don't get it. If they got paid, ok. But I know that Rocky here in Austin has been eating my saturdays for six months in a row now. THOSE ARE MY DUES, DAMN IT! I loved playing with those guys, and I really can't wait for the chance to go back, but that kind of strict play with RHPS just does not make sense to me.

On the way back, we ate at Chili's. Chili's apparently got rid of all their food with, you know, CHILIS and is now just another form of Applebee's. Very disappointing Chili's.

Movie

"Wolverine" turned out to be a fun, romp-like adventure. More fan-service than anything else, but when you come down to it, really the only reason to make a comic book movie in general is for fan service. Unless you are making "Electra." Or maybe "Ghost Rider." At that point, you are making movies to torture people.

I saw "Wolverine" with Christina and we had a grand 'ol time. Because we were at the Alamo (FTW) we were shown a grand buffet of clips from shitty superhero television shows and movies past. Most of these clips were amusing, if not hilarious.

After the film, a gentleman came up to me and said, "I don't know if these are for you or for me, but the girls who were sitting between us left these notes."

Notes?

Did these fine bitches leave a number or two for me to call up during one of my late night binges?

After reading one sentence, I realized that they were not complimentary and that, yes, they were intended for me. I present them now, unedited, for your reading enjoyment:

"his laughter is hurting my eardrums! I hope it stops when wolverine starts."

"me too. Never see Once more with feeling at the Alamo. It's like a hundred of him on all sides."

"Wolverine probably isn't so funny........but hopefully wolverine's little witticisms don't crack him up...."

"I wish that 'guy who sat next to me at the alamo' was a choice on that facebook list of 5 people I want to punch in the face."

WOW!

Really?

Now, let me say for the record. I have a loud laugh. Especially when I am at the movies, my laugh can turn into more of a bark. So, I can't say that I don't know what these broads are talking about.

But the things I was laughing about were things that half of the theatre was laughing about as well. It would be one thing if, during the movie, I started cracking up laughing when someone was viciously stabbed. Or if we were seeing a special midnight screening of "Schindler's List" or something.

Secondly, "Once More With Feeling" is an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that the Alamo has sing-a-longs to every now and then. SING-A-LONGS! How can you complain about people making noise during a fucking sing-a-long. That's like going to see the latest Disney movie and coming out pissed because it was animated.

People try my sanity.

X-Men

So, I decided to watch the first "X-Men" movie tonight so that I can be aware of any glaring continuity problems with "Wolverine" when I see it tomorrow night. During my viewing, I decided to take notes. These basically ended up boiling down to Twitter-like phrases and sentences that I will now publish here for public enjoyment:

X-Men

- Intro.

-- Why is there a CG effect of what it would be like to take a roller-coaster ride down a spinal cord?

-- MARVEL is fucking overly obsessed with these CG heavy intros that basically have little or nothing to do with the movie other than the "science" of it. e.g. the dna crap in the Spider-Man movies.

-- I know it is a comic book movie, but I feel like showing fictitious events (i.e. the holocaust) really brings down the believability of the whole film.

-- That last one was for lol's, in case that was not clear.

-- Magneto origin makes me pumped for "Magneto" movie. He and Wolverine have very similar origins, strangely enough. Both outcasts, learn to hate and mistrust people.

- Film

-- Apparently, Canada is a terrible, snowy place filled with people who are even more of assholes than Wolverine.

-- Claw-popping noise = Win.

-- Wait. How did the fire in the R.V. start? Why does Hollywood think any fender-bender automatically engulfs a vehicle in flames?

-- I like Sabertooth's clothes, but he is honestly more like a "Wendigo" in this movie. Barring the fact that he is able to say more than "WWWWWWEEEENNNDIIIGOOOOOO!"

-- Apparently, being Psychic = being FUCKING LAZY.

-- Shadowcat got recast for X2. Old Shadowcat, not nearly pedo-worthy enough.

-- Apparently, mutant powers make kids DICKS that CHEAT.

-- Pyro recast for X2. Old Pyro, not nearly douche-y enough.

-- Question: How does one ...... freeze fire?

-- Senator Kelly supporter sign: "Send mutants to the moon". Reference to Asteroid M?

-- Sincerely thinking of re-cutting the movie to : "Mystique's Tits: The Movie"

-- Scott Summers + Turtleneck + Cardigan = Mega-Douche

-- Cerebro complete redesign in X2. If it is a software update that Magneto is unfamiliar with, would that not throw the whole plot of X2 to the wind? Might be over- thinking this one...

-- Have come to the conclusion that no, no I am not over-thinking it.

-- Storm has South African accent that she loses and gains many times during this movie, only to completely lose it for X2.

-- Why go through all the trouble to sneak in a doomsday machine past guards during the middle of the night and ALSO have gone through the trouble to make said doomsday machine look like part of the Statue of Liberty? Once it has gone off....I mean, are you trying to hide it for later? For like.....another once in a life time U.N. summit?

-- Ray Park is the shit.

-- How do Mystique's faux claws cut through shit and fight Wolverine's claws?

-- Ok, so hers got cut off by Wolverine's......but now they are fighting again. Back to original question?

-- Gift Shop at the Statue of Liberty = FUCKING RUSTY DEATHTRAP.

-- Storm is god-awful at one liners.

-- "Scott, it's me." "Prove it." "You're a dick." FTW.

-- Who that works at the U.N. and is invited to a summit at the Statue of Liberty would not be familiar with the historical significance of the statue? Guy making U.N. speech sucks. Probably Uzbekistan or something.

-- Does it not remove all suspense from a rooftop fight if both people fighting would be able to easily survive the fall? They might as well be doing that joust game on American Gladiator. Or better yet, they might as well be playing a game of "Joust" for arcade. It would be just (if not more) dangerous.

-- So no one else with a T.V. noticed Senator Kelly's eyes flash yellow? Does TiVo not exist in this alternate reality? That would be all over "The Daily Show."

-- I am thinking that an all glass and plastic prison would get dusty and smudgy as BALLS.