Another Joe tidbit.

I am Whatthewhat. I feel like I delivered on the comedy here.

And Knowing Is Half The Battle!

Here is my comment on /Film about the new clip of "G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra" that premiered on MTV earlier this week:

" I don't hate on movies very often, but this clip (and all previous trailers/teasers) has done nothing to make me excited for this movie. Instead of making a franchise movie that concentrates on what makes it stand out (specific characters/conflicts), it seems to me that the producers just wanted to make a summer sci-fi formulaic blockbuster and decided to put G.I. Joe skins over that framework. This is proven in the fact that instead of just being elite soldiers, the Joes are required to wear suits to do any combat with Cobra that make them move and look like man-sized Transformers. I don't have amazingly high hopes for any movie based off an 80's cartoon that had really terrible writing to begin with (Transformers, Joe), but I do expect the people making the movie to stick to what made the original so fun and engaging at the time. "

Also, Dennis Quaid looks constipated.

Yar!

Last weekend was pretty intense, so I figured I should update.

I went up to Dallas to do Rocky Horror in Ft. Worth. Decided to drag Luis along for the shit-ton of driving I had to do.

Saturday morning we left Austin and stopped at Chick-Fil-A for breakfast. They were giving away food! How do I not find out about this shit!?

Anyway, driving, driving, driving, get gas, driving. Hooray we made it to the Scarborough Faire!

A magical land where women as old, if not older, than my mother decide to hike those saggy love bags up to their sagging neck flaps. Yikes. I usually don't say anything when I see women who are wearing clothes that they shouldn't. Sometimes, people just want to feel attractive so they wear clothes that clearly do nothing for them. I, for instance, wear small t-shirts every now and then. This makes me feel very slim, until I need to lift my arms above my waist and the shirt gets pulled up around my navel. I know what you are thinking ; very sexy. And yes, it is.

But the problem I have at Faire is that the sheer mass of women who all together decide to not only embarrass themselves, but force innocent passerbys to have their eyes drawn towards their re-animated mammaries. It's like they all had a sleepover the night before, tripped on Robotussin, and decided that "Frankenstein" was as good of a story to adapt to their lifeless sweater-bunnies. (I love that spell check added in the dash for "sweater-bunnies")

Anyway, so we get there and if you have not been it is actually kind of fun if you can suspend your annoyance for like 55% of the people there. Basically, Faire is an outdoor mall. Except all the clothing stores are olden day versions of Hot Topic, food is EVEN MORE ridiculously expensive, and there are olden type performances. Pretty much "meh" level entertainment, but it is fun to pretend to shop for chain mail.

I have an anecdote from Faire, but I absolutely ADORE prefaces, so here we go. I'm not sure if you know what an Ent is. If you have seen the "Lord of the Rings" films you do, but even I don't remember half of went on in those movies and I read the books. Ents are pretty much majestic tree creatures. They have been around since forever and will always exist, although they are often pissing themselves with fear that they aren't going to be believed in anymore so they won't be able to move or talk. When a weeping willow seems to dance in the breeze to say, "Good Day, Nick! You look ravishing today!" (That's how they talk to me, these Ents) That is an Ent trying to express it's long ago forgotten language. Pretty impressive/gay/sad/impressive again, yes? Well, my friends, would you believe it if there was not a true to life Ent walking around the Faire? You Would! Hooray! Because there was! He was so gigantic, a monolith at eleven feet tall, and I could see real human-like emotions flitting in his mask-hidden eyes. I decided to have Luis grab my camera and take a picture of me with this beautiful and rare creature. SNAP. Then, the Ent mutters something in a tone that is known only to the most trained carnies. I don't hear him but he shakes his walking staff at me and I look at his staff to see a wicker basket affixed to the bottom. The basket is filled with one dollar bills. I must have blacked out from awkwardness. I stuttered something about not having any singles on me (which is always the greatest thing for someone who works for tips to hear, I know) and stumbled away.

Let me put this in perspective somehow. Ok, imagine you are walking along a beautiful hillside during a light rainfall. It is summer. You are at peace. All is right with the universe. The rain ceases and through the mist a glorious rainbow appears. Suddenly, a majestic Unicorn bursts from the clouds and runs down the rainbow to your feet. The Unicorn is hesitant at first, but sensing your good heart, stretches his nose out and nuzzles your shoulder. You are awe-struck by it's majesty and glory. You reach out and pat it on it's head, between the eyes. You stroke it's silken mane and hug it's strong, muscular (yet downy soft) neck. You take a step back to account for this amazing moment and the Unicorn says, "Hey man, I'll suck your dick for a dollar."

I might be exaggerating a bit. No, never mind. I am not.

Luis and I did this sword battle game that was kind of like VS. in MARIO KART, but with swords so ...... more epic. I won, flawlessly.

Ok, I am done talking about Faire.

Then we went to do Rocky Horror at the Ft. Worth theater. The place was called "Movie Tavern" and it was laid out the same as the Drafthouse except there are no waiters. This theater lets the Rocky cast keep props and set pieces in the theater, so their stuff was like a berjillion times more nice than ours. Also, the theater they perform in has it's own sound setup and amazing lighting and is about twice as big as the largest Drafthouse theater. Amazing. It was a whole lot of fun. I got felt up a lot, because I was new to them I guess. Los Bastardos have the same social habits as dogs apparently. I'm sure they would have sniffed if I had let them. The only thing I did not get about their cast was the rigidity of it all. Apparently, they try to be as screen accurate as possible. This means.......... no fun. I'm not going to name names, but someone in the cast whispered to me that they loved it when we came because they were "allowed" to break character. On top of that, they have REHEARSALS on thursdays then have the show fridays and saturdays. And they pay DUES. I don't get it. If they got paid, ok. But I know that Rocky here in Austin has been eating my saturdays for six months in a row now. THOSE ARE MY DUES, DAMN IT! I loved playing with those guys, and I really can't wait for the chance to go back, but that kind of strict play with RHPS just does not make sense to me.

On the way back, we ate at Chili's. Chili's apparently got rid of all their food with, you know, CHILIS and is now just another form of Applebee's. Very disappointing Chili's.

Movie

"Wolverine" turned out to be a fun, romp-like adventure. More fan-service than anything else, but when you come down to it, really the only reason to make a comic book movie in general is for fan service. Unless you are making "Electra." Or maybe "Ghost Rider." At that point, you are making movies to torture people.

I saw "Wolverine" with Christina and we had a grand 'ol time. Because we were at the Alamo (FTW) we were shown a grand buffet of clips from shitty superhero television shows and movies past. Most of these clips were amusing, if not hilarious.

After the film, a gentleman came up to me and said, "I don't know if these are for you or for me, but the girls who were sitting between us left these notes."

Notes?

Did these fine bitches leave a number or two for me to call up during one of my late night binges?

After reading one sentence, I realized that they were not complimentary and that, yes, they were intended for me. I present them now, unedited, for your reading enjoyment:

"his laughter is hurting my eardrums! I hope it stops when wolverine starts."

"me too. Never see Once more with feeling at the Alamo. It's like a hundred of him on all sides."

"Wolverine probably isn't so funny........but hopefully wolverine's little witticisms don't crack him up...."

"I wish that 'guy who sat next to me at the alamo' was a choice on that facebook list of 5 people I want to punch in the face."

WOW!

Really?

Now, let me say for the record. I have a loud laugh. Especially when I am at the movies, my laugh can turn into more of a bark. So, I can't say that I don't know what these broads are talking about.

But the things I was laughing about were things that half of the theatre was laughing about as well. It would be one thing if, during the movie, I started cracking up laughing when someone was viciously stabbed. Or if we were seeing a special midnight screening of "Schindler's List" or something.

Secondly, "Once More With Feeling" is an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that the Alamo has sing-a-longs to every now and then. SING-A-LONGS! How can you complain about people making noise during a fucking sing-a-long. That's like going to see the latest Disney movie and coming out pissed because it was animated.

People try my sanity.